AOL Watch presents this unconfirmed press report of a breaking story on the heels of AOL's recent acquisition...
MONSTER ISLAND, Japan. (Reuters) - AOL spokespeople say they've followed their acquisition of Netscape Communications Corporation by purchasing Godzilla.
"We thought it'd go nicely with our recent acquisition of Mozilla," an AOL spokesperson commented. "Mozilla, Godzilla. They kind of go together...."
A despondent Godzilla was unavailable for comment -- but long-time companion Mothra indicated the creature was in bad spirits Wednesday morning and had retreated into seclusion. When informed of the deal, Godzilla apparently became confused, and uncertain who to singe with fire. "His back kind of lit up," Mothra remembers. "But only half-heartedly...."
Triumphant AOL President Steve Case shared details of his emerging business plans. "Chat rooms will only get you so far," he observed Wednesday. "Besides, with our stock price inflated to 127 times year-ahead earnings, we'd be stupid not to." The move continues AOL's strategy of diversifying their holdings by acquiring more successful and better operations -- often, simply by trading them stock. "Can you believe it?" Case gloated. "It's like a license to print money."
Reached by phone, Godzilla answered only "Hrank."
"It all happened so fast," remembers Mothra. "Toho executives asked how they could get their hands on $4.2 billion, and the next thing we knew, the ink was drying." Meanwhile, Godzilla's new corporate overlords discussed their plans for the future. "We look forward to working with Godzilla to leverage new frontiers in interactive technologies," Steve Case commented in a press conference with technology reporters.
When asked to elaborate on what exactly he meant by "new frontiers in interactive technologies," Case appeared confused and quickly left the room. An AOL spokesperson hinted later Godzilla might be utilized as a promotional agent. "He certainly offers a novel way to deliver floppy disks," they mused jubilantly. And other synergies were also possible. "Just having him around creates alot of good will," the spokesperson continued. "Like those casinos that hire former heavyweight boxing champions."
"We were anxious to buy Godzilla before Friday," an AOL spokesperson commented. "Friday's 'Buy-Nothing' day."
It's unclear how AOL's deal will affect other inhabitants of Monster Island such as Rodin and Baragon. But AOL's acquisition was expected to benefit business partner Sun Microsystems in their continuing effort to further the adoption of the Java programming language.
One Sun spokesperson was heard to comment "Wait'll Microsoft gets a load of this."